The Memento Analogy

So lately, I’ve been noticing this pattern of how I analyze myself, discover truths, make some decisions and resolve to make a change. And then forget about, most likely because I got distracted by something else. And then go back to square one and start all over again. Like it hadn’t happened before. It seems…

Hardened eyes

**This is something I wrote in 2016.** I’ve never been that brave. I hide scared from life. I don’t take risks or do difficult things. I hide in my safe bubble. It’s doing tough things that gives you experience, and makes you hard. Gives you thick skin. After hiking the PCT for 1000 miles, you…

Stuff I said

Promotions are not merit based, they are evidence based.   Them: You’re not being realistic about this. Me: I’m not a realistic person.

Why I too will stop blues dancing

This is something I’ve thought about for a while. I have followed the discussions and felt the discomfort that comes with the realization that you are participating in a culture of appropriation and privilege. I feel uncomfortable pretending to be doing a dance that is wrought with so much history and pain. I cannot channel…

The collector

The first shameful thing I’m going to tell you about is my obsessive need to catalog and preserve every moment of my life. I mean for God’s sake, take a break and enjoy life every once in a while. I’m a collector, preserver, archivist. I take little moments and turn them to mush  

The failed programmer – part 1

I notice a phenomenon. Even though I have a decent life, social circle, friends, decent job, and family. Even though I have a boyfriend and get enough attention on a daily basis. Even though I should in theory be happy, there is something (or somethings) missing. I find myself wanting to hide aspects of myself…

Untitled

Alright, here we go. My final rap, yo. I’m lying in bed, eyes glued to my phone, Since morning been saying “I’m gonna get up and work” But have I? No. I’m still in my sleeping clothes. Haven’t brushed my teeth, Haven’t done anything. I’ve been paralyzed, unable to move. It’s not fear, it’s something…

Russia – the conspiracy of the evil dark giant looming over America

Never attribute to malice that which can be easily explained by incompetence. I find it comical when Americans talk about “Russia” as a bad guy. You often hear things like “The Trump administration colluded with Russia”, or “Russia hacked the elections”, or “Russia got what they wanted.” They speak as if Russia is this mysterious…

Problem solving template

  Define the problem or desired solution in plain language. Theory – write down your gut solution without having spent any time analyzing it. This is where experience comes in. Analyze – try out your theory by breaking it down into steps until it’s really easy to understand. Think a bullet list with indents thay…

Who I used to be

I stumbled upon an old email folder today. The folder mostly contains random thoughts that i’ve written down, and some very personal conversation threads. It was interesting to read through thoughts and conversations i’d had as far back as 2009.  It’s always interesting to look back through the lens of time and remember who you…

My life is one long experiment

I like to think of my life as one long experiment in psychology and behavioral science. I’m the scientist, quietly and patiently observing the subject, day after day.  I observe, and take notes, collect data. I look for patterns. Patterns that will give me clues for how this subject’s mind operates. And what motivates her….

Strategies

I’ve noticed the following patterns/problems with my motivation: 1. I get stuck sometimes. I have trouble coming up with ideas, moving forward in a problem. 2. ‎i am inert. It’s hard to self-motivated. I’m usually more interested in what people immediately around me are interested in. I prefer to stay where I am and explore…